Mental Health

You know what scares me the most???
Mental Illnesses. Specifically Schizophrenia.

I mean imagine living out your life hearing and seeing people who other people dont see or hear. Imagine having a best friend who people are telling you dont exist.
I first got to know a little more about Schizophrenia in grade 11. For anthropology, sociology and psychology class we went to visit CAMH. People with mental illnesses are treated there. Some of the people talked to us about their illness. One guy said how he could see faces in the auditorium ceiling....how he talks to the Queen and has tea with her.
I didnt think much about it then. I didnt think they were crazy. I didnt think about how they live their life drugged up tp suppress the voices and images but still seeing them. I didnt really think about it, too preoccupied with meaningless other things that seem to take up the life of a teenager.
Last night i watched A Beautiful Mind starring Russell Crowe. I thought it was supposed to be about this mathematically gifted guy who helps the government crack cyphers except he gets into trouble. I thought woah thats so cool you know lets watch....boy was i in for a BIG surprise.
Oh before I go on the story of John Nash who is the protagonist in the movie is a real man. The movie is based on the book he wrote. He was a mathematical genius who got a scholarship to Carnegie and later declined an offer from Harvard and went to Princeton. He later was found to have paranoid schizophrenia and was in and out of hospital. He later won the Nobel Prize for his equilibrium theories.

SO i didnt know that and i believed that the movie was this awesome spy conspiracy stuff...WRONG...it SCARED the crap outta me and gave me a reality check. John Nash is still alive and probably still sees and hears stuff. As do all the other people who have schizophrenia.

Im just saying thats UNFAIR. Why does that happen? Why do people have to suffer like that?? Hey maybe they are happy with their imaginary aquaintences but its unfair in the sense that other people will now avoid them because theyll think them "crazy".

I wonder why the brain does that. Or why? Why do some people not get mentally ill? Why some mildly and why those unfortunate few who get hit severe???
Why is there lucky and unlucky?
Ultimately life is unfair

I Do....I Don't???? :S

So just last night at around 11:00 PM I began watching The Big Bang Theory. It’s the show about two physicists, Leonard and Sheldon, their equally nerdy friends, Howard and Raj, their new social neighbor, Penny and their life outside the lab. Now as soon as he meets Penny, Leonard is immediately attracted to her. Sheldon has no seeming interest in a romantic relationship. Howard is overly confident (and therefore a little…no no correction VERY pervy) around women. Raj is too shy and cannot even talk to a woman (unless drunk).

Then today not even 10 minutes ago I just finished watching Up in the Air. George Clooney as Ryan, who is just a guy who fires people for a living and is constantly on the go, flying all over America. He has no aspirations to settle down, get married or have children.

Now what do these two have to do with each other and to do with me??
Both show (which I’m not done) and movie bring out a central argument I’ve been trying to justify as I get older.
Marriage. Settling down. Children
The essential war between married to your family vs. married to your job. Is there ever going to be a balance? If so is it fair? Is it fair to your family? Or is it fair to your job?
I know this conundrum shouldn’t be a bother to me much right now. I’m 17, hey there’s plenty of time to think about it right?

IS THERE?
I’m second guessing that.

I’ve had this conversation with a university professor I volunteered for. We went from talking about the mating habits of spiders (don’t ask) to marriage.

I’ve had this conversation with a friend who seemed quite surprised and maybe a little appalled as to my personal decisions. He wants marriage and children.
Here’s the argument everyone has been trying to beat me down with…and honestly I don’t have an answer to this;

“What are you gonna do when you fall in love?”

You see this is my opinion on things. If you marry I think you should give your all to your spouse and kids. You know being able to pick up the kids after school, going for picnics together, cooking meals…that sort of thing.

If you’re a career person you should give your all to your career. Your career is your spouse and your kids.

I know there are those people who are able to do half and half but I feel like (and no offence to those people) but I feel like that’s kind of being unfair to both your family and your job, because you can’t give your 100% to either because the other is hindering you from doing so.

I mean isn’t the formula to success, happiness and all that stuff come from giving your complete and utter best at all times?

I know you aren’t supposed to mix work and family but inevitably that’s what will happen right?

To me personally I think it would be easier to just marry your career. Why? Isn’t that being more fair and just to your potential husband and children? Spare them the unnecessary grief of not seeing wife/mommy if she’s busy. Not having all of her time. Not have her around when you really need her because she’s got work.

I know that it sounds cold but I was just thinking wouldn’t that save grief for you AND your potential family?

Am I not justified? Have I not posed a sound argument? Or am I being selfish and cold hearted?

Don’t get me wrong I’m not shooting down marriage and family. Go right ahead, it’s just…I don’t know…

…its confusing…

And every time I watch a marriage ceremony (on Friends for example I just watched the episodes where Chandler and Monica get married and the one where Phoebe gets married to Mike) , but every time I see it I’m like imagine wouldn’t their lives be different if they hadn’t said “I do”? Or is that a negative and insensitive thought on my part??
I don’t know and as I get more and more bored over the summer I entertain myself by watching movies and TV shows and people seem to keep getting married or engaged.

The movie that hit home the most was Up in the Air and before that 7 Pounds.

Tell me what you think…

~Live Laugh, ARR

My Bad

Hey Hey
yeah so a second, third gazillionth time around yuup im alive.
Im not dying in some alleyway don't worry
:D

So as updates go this one is pretty major.
As i was saying my parents are leaving, I'm gonna stay alone and all that. Well its finally happening. Yup in officially about a month (July 31st) my parents are supposed to go back to India. I'm to remain here to go to OCAD.
What do I say? Simply put;
IM SCARED
EFF man, this is WAY beyond ANYTHING I've ever had to experience. I'm going to miss my parents terribly, my brother, oh lord; he's a pain but he's an adorable pain who patiently puts up with me. And I mean like nothing gets past this kid. I can be an annoying piece of shit to him and he just brushes it off calmly. Plus he takes care of me yes I'm 17 and he's 8, shame on me.
What am I gonna do with my life without the three of them in it to make it insane??
I've promised myself I'll have a strong face for them though, I shant cry when they leave, I wont even flinch. Cue Bob Marley's No Woman No Cry, though I'm not a woman yet.
Actually more of Buffalo Soldier. That's precisely what I must be, a soldier. Life is a battle ground, you are a soldier. There are sweet victories and bitter losses, both of which shape you.
But then there also exists the middle ground, the partition. But parting as they say makes bonds stronger. So it's a good thing?? We shall see. It's going to be excruciatingly painful but I want to come out of this a stronger, better and more mature person then a whining bastard.

As to accommodation I looked hard for one as did my parents but couldn't find anything suitable. Our criteria was safe, reasonable, close to OCAD; and apparently for my parents a roommate. To me personally I wanted to live alone. Metaphorically fly the nest early and all. My parents were more comfortable with knowing I had a roommate and we could look out for each other and such. In the end it works out but to my slight inconvenience.
Through an acquaintance we found a lady in about her 50s (I think) who has never let out a room but has been meaning too but too afraid to proceed. Since we were recommended by the mutual acquaintance she agreed to meet us and consider. Shes Italian, very friendly with a BEAUTIFUL condo 5 minutes walk away from OCAD. My room will be what was originally an unused den. the condo has a pool, billiards room, AMAZING terrace with a clear view of AGO, OCAD and the CN tower, like literally in your face. the apartment itself is AMAZING. I love it, its beautiful.
Now this is all well but here is my problem. Originally i wanted to live alone so I could have friends over for sleepovers, movie nights, a birthday party and just hanging out. I was going to cook from scratch CUZ I CAN :D and just have fun. Besides I would have the whole space to myself to decorate and clean and make a mess off at my own leisure.
Now I'm severely restricted as to what I can do.
I'm not complaining, just a little disappointed. But I have my whole life to build towards a dream right??
I'll get there no problems.
:)
OMG, something just struck me. I forgot to say. I'M OFFICIALLY A GRADUTE !!!
Yes this little bastard managed to graduate. Through all the ups and downs of school i managed to graduate with exactly 30 credits. (oww my hand is cramping). Commencement was amazing. Not too many tears surprisingly!!

OH that brings me too, Im changing up my wardrobe. Finally to things i REALLY like. Im going a little military!! Ive always loved that trend it started with my boots and im carrying on with those colors and such. Of course Im not completely in but I have a few pieces from there.
BTW Joe fresh liquid eyeliner is AMAZING. Its only 6 bucks but works SOO WELL. It creates precise lines and is thick enough to show black in one stroke.

Uhh what else.....OH i start working at a company, in accounts in August. Not sure if I'll enjoy it but my timings are flexible.
Speaking of timings I registered for my courses. First sem I have my Friday off and Monday I have only one course and that's in the afternoon. Second sem I have Tuesday off and Friday i have one class in the morning .

I still have a ton of shopping ahead of me. Clothes mainly, a bookshelf, stationary and suchlike.
IKEA HERE I COME
:D

Still have to start packing my stuff separately
:'(
We are beginning to pack stuff my family will take though. So I'm back off to cleaning my stuff. I know its 3: 33 in the morning but the realtor is coming tomorrow to check out the house and I haven't helped clean anything, so I'm doing it know.
Yes I haven't shaken my night owl habits. Its bad for Uni I know.
Well then, over the summer I'll attempt to update on the hectic stuff ongoing

till then

~Live, Laugh, ARRR

EWW

So lately I've been having revelations about myself. Actually no not lately, lets say I'm starting to break through my state of denial. Okay so before i do this let me just say that my dignity is about to be broken. Oh God, why am i even doing this. OKAY

SO, im coming out of denial about how much of a soft-hearted sap I am...

yes you read right, ME.
It's VERY sad. Dont get me wrong i love all those butch things, yes i loved 300 (no not cuz of Gerard Butler who looked like a hobo in underwear but because of all the blood :D)
but really like i watch these movies, read these books, and there are sequences wherein my heart melts and i just go AWWWWWWNNN

But EWWW its so disgusting I acctually gush over cutenes. ITS SO GROSS and DISGUSTING and makes me wanna PUKE. BLEGHHH
Heres how sad it is i go 'AWWWWWN' over cute smiles. Yes smiles make me go "how adorable" that is the level of sad sap i am.
And no i will not describe instances that make me go aww that will just crush whatever little dignity i have left right into Mother Earth.

Heres worse i aww at cute little kids now too. I HATE THAT. I never awwned before, WHY START NOW???

I honestly dont get why this is happening to me??? Please dont say hormones im sick of that crap.

But honestly like i cant stop myself from (eww puke) but from grinning like a complete idiot and feeling all warm and fuzzy when im exposed to complete and utter adorability.

WHY MEE??

-facepalm-
Oh god now i have no respect left, but i had to get that out, otherwise it would bother me to no end

grawrrrrr

~Live, Laugh, ARR

To Procrastinate or Stop: That Should be the Question

Yes, im a terrible person AGAIN i have not posted in a while, MANFRED (yes I have decided to call you Manfred in my posts Olive Boi/Japanese Umbrella Girl)
;P
Okay so Manfred has (probably unknowingly) shamed me into writing this post. I uplaud you Manfred for updating so often and writing/sharing so much. But yes it shames me because i am unable to stay faithful to blogging (cuz im a lazy arse as youve probably already figured out). But i will take this shame and use it as inspiration to rant long and hard about recent events in my pirate life
;)

So first off we shall move backwords from this moment to however far i can remeber i think i have ALOT to say...(im digressing...my bad...okay ill just stop and acctually write :D)

So technically at the moment im meant to be writing my Hamlet essay, proving he is not insane, I have my arguements, a WONDERFUL thesis (if i do says os myself) and all the quotes i wanna use, I just cant seem to start. Btw did i mention it was due tommorow, yeah im terrible. Maybe writting on here will get me into my writing element andi can start writing it.
Speakinbg of English im presenting my poem tommorow. I chose Edgar Allen Poe and wanted to do The Raven. Its long though and Ms. H said i could only do a passage. Instead im doing Lenore:

   Ah, broken is the golden bowl! the spirit flown forever!    Let the bell toll!- a saintly soul floats on the Stygian river;    And, Guy de Vere, hast thou no tear?- weep now or nevermore!    See! on yon drear and rigid bier low lies thy love, Lenore!    Come! let the burial rite be read- the funeral song be sung!-    An anthem for the queenliest dead that ever died so young-    A dirge for her the doubly dead in that she died so young.     "Wretches! ye loved her for her wealth and hated her for her pride,    And when she fell in feeble health, ye blessed her- that she died!    How shall the ritual, then, be read?- the requiem how be sung    By you- by yours, the evil eye,- by yours, the slanderous tongue    That did to death the innocence that died, and died so young?"     Peccavimus; but rave not thus! and let a Sabbath song    Go up to God so solemnly the dead may feel no wrong.    The sweet Lenore hath "gone before," with Hope, that flew beside,    Leaving thee wild for the dear child that should have been thy         bride.    For her, the fair and debonair, that now so lowly lies,    The life upon her yellow hair but not within her eyes    The life still there, upon her hair- the death upon her eyes.     "Avaunt! avaunt! from fiends below, the indignant ghost is riven-    From Hell unto a high estate far up within the Heaven-    From grief and groan, to a golden throne, beside the King of         Heaven!    Let no bell toll, then,- lest her soul, amid its hallowed mirth,    Should catch the note as it doth float up from the damned Earth!    And I!- to-night my heart is light!- no dirge will I upraise,    But waft the angel on her flight with a Paean of old days!" 

Its quite the beautiful albeit dark poem and is related to the Raven.   Moving on; yesterday my family went to the african safari. I was meant to go but i was feeling really sick and apparently i had a fever too. Plus im on my PMS time, so i dont feel taht great (dosent help tha i got a wretched cold today >.>) But yeah i didnt got and i stayed home. Watched Chaplin with RDJ♥. It was GOOD. I love this man, he never ceases to amaze me. I also re watched Stardust and Men in Black I. I also watched the BBC version of Sherlock Holmes with my mom. Watched the second episode today.  then SATURDAY. I went to Fashion Outlet Mall in Buffalo for prom shopping THE DEALS AND DISCOUNTS. Let me amaze you with my Shopping ability (even though i despise shopping I always get a deal on really good clothes) Dress: After running around the mall and going to every shop with dresses, i ended up at dress barn. Saw one i liked. Only dress I tried on. HAH. I hate trying on clothes, im not a dress person so i didnt wanna try on dresses. The dress was the only size 8.  Its cream with silky black borders around the neck and hemline. 3 black roses silk screened to the front. very flowy and kisses the tops of my knees.  I love it because you can dress it up for evening wear and dress it down for casual wear. Its VERY simple and cost...wait for it...FORTY BUCKS. Whats more a lady at he billing line gave me a 5 dollar off coupon cuz she wasnt gonna use it so dress bill came to with tax - 36 dollars and change. Shoes- Looked everywhere. Aldo heels killed my feet. Came to naturalizer after ALOT of trying on and killing my poor feet. Finding shoes is hard for me, i have size 10 feet. Besides ive never worn heels and i wanted a black pair so i can wear them later. Ive been wanting a pair of lace heels. Ended up- Black, lattice pattern, peep toe, and quite surprisingle and comfortably 3.5 inch heels. Cost - 38 dollars and change. 

Next I wanted a blazer to make the dress more formal. Ive always wanted a 3/4th sleeved cropped black silky blazer. Saks Fifth avenue. 100 dollar Calvin Klein Blazer, on sale for 70 dollars. Got a coupon and bought it for 50 buck DEAL.  Next just some clothes for me, 5 dollar GAP jeans in grey and the last military jacket from esprit, originally 80 bucks reduced to 40 bucks, hada coupon so i got it for 20 bucks DEAL. 

So all my prom stuff so far comes to about 120 dollars, alot of people bought their dressees ONLY for 200 bucks. Yes I AM AWESOME.

I just have to buy a clutch and jewllery and hair stuff.  ;)  Friday. JACKIEE CAME OUT. I didnt go see cuz i had to meet someone for a job offer. My dads friend. We all had dinner and talked about what i wanna do with my life. I also accepted my offer from OCAD for Environmental Design.  That leads me too im looking for a well priced apartment to rent with roomates.  But jackie yeah, my friends wanted to see it 2D and i wanted to see it 3D so i dont mind not going.   I also went to see Hamelt the play at Bathurst Street theatre. LOVED IT. It was different from the movie. I had my first Korean BBQ with Ellie after 

Till later, thats all i rememebr now

~Live Laugh, ARR    

Hamlet

For the last week or so my class has been watching ‘Hamlet”. The movie version of the famed play by William Shakespeare. I thought that I would laugh at Hamlet. I had previously watched the famous “to be or not to be” part on television once and I thought It was the most ridiculous thing ever. There was this guy in period clothing perched atop a cliff. He was sitting right at the very edge. Below him, the waves are crashing against the sheer cliff. So this guy is sitting there and he has a little pocket knife in his hand and he starts stabbing the rock. Then he goes “to be or not to be, that is the question”, and while he says it he’s stabbing the rock. It was quite amusing and I thought, wow what a lunatic. Last week I figured out that Hamlet comes out according to how the actor depicts him.

We have been watching the 1996 Kenneth Brannagh version of the play. Brannagh himself is in the title role. Brannagh’s Hamlet is quite funny. The way he portrays Hamlet makes me feel sympathy for Hamlet. I feel like Hamlet isn’t some crazy psych (as has been debated for a while). I feel like he is just this young man whose beloved father has died and less than a month after his uncle has married his mother and they are know king and queen of Denmark. What makes the situation nightmarishly worse than it is, is the fact that Hamlets fathers ghost comes to him and tells him that his uncle murdered him and too take revenge.

I don’t think Hamlet is crazy or insane; he is just aggrieved and angry at his situation; at his murderous uncle for, one, being murderous and two marrying and carrying on incestuously with his dear mother, as well as at his mother for not being grief ridden enough at her late husband’s death and for hastily getting married to his uncle. Any person would be angry and sad if they were in that situation. I think he’s just very depressed and so a little high on raw emotion.

What I do like about Brannagh’s Hamlet is the fact that he isn’t portrayed as over the top or broody or angsty. He is actually depicted as having quite the sense of humor even at a time where he is very sad and mad.

BTW this blog was written a couple months ago like in march i think.

But anyway We just finished ROsencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead and I love that play as well.

Hamlet is definately, of the Shakespeare plays I have been exposed to, my favorite play so far. Hes funny and intelligent and all round nice guy who is just aggrieved. Give him a break

;)

~Live, Laugh, ARR

Anger Management Among Other Things

So I had said before that there are things I have done that I would rather not have. I also said that this post would be the Hamlet one...UNFORTUNATELY there have been things bugging me, namely YESTERDAY that I need to get off my chest before I freaking explode and kill someone. I already talked to my friend and my mom but I think the best way for me sometimes is to have a nice long written rant and then I can properly put ALL my murderous, inhumane and ugly thoughts down. Yes I do have the above and am not proud of them and therefore I feel shy saying all of them out loud, in person, to people I know and love.

[ BTW to the two of you reading, I'm really sorry you have to read this and know it about me, this particular blog is going to be one of those that show you the part of me that shames me most]

So on Friday I was having lunch, and Friday (up until lunch had gone pretty well, I planted six hanging planters with about 15 different orchids to hang from the greenhouse ceiling and they look beautiful. Btw THANK GOD for Green Industries because that class is pure therapy for the mind sometimes).

So lunch, I had to show my friend this video about this 13 yr old girl who had the courage to give a speech in front of the UN General Assembly on how they are doing nothing about adequately saving the environment. It is VERY INSPIRATIONAL for someone who is THIRTEEN to stand up and talk for about 10-15 minutes in front of UN officials. And honestly the way this girl talks is extremely mature, she dosent sound thirteen and she slams all of her points home. It wowed me. Plus she and her friends raised their own money to fly from vancouver to south america for their cause. I mean WOW.

BUT NO, SOME FUCKING ONE HAS TO BE THEIR NEGATIVE SELF AND RUIN THINGS.

"Oh she's so fake and insincere, if she were sincere she would say hat all from memory and acctually mean it." WHAT WERE YOU NOT LISTENING??? Shes THIRTEEN, she has the COURAGE to plainly say what she wants to in front of a HUGE HALL of IMPORTANT ADULTS. Thats INTIMIDATING and she only faltered slightly sometimes. YOU TELL ME IF YOU WOULD HAVE EVER DONE THAT. MY GOD.

But hey of COURSE there had to be more >.>

"I hate how adults listen to kids talking. Why is that? Thats so dumb. kids are ignorant and dumb. They dont know anything and have no experience"

WHAT?/ Its incredible to hear mature children because what they say is sincere, untainted and innocent. Innocence and naivety is what makes a child's words powerful and impactful. if it were an adult the next person would be like yeah whatever but from a child its awe inspiring. I had to repeat this like literally 5 times. Did you know I hate people who repeat the same question again and again just when youve explained yourself and i HATE interruptions while I'm answering your effing question???

WELL THERE WE GO.

I ALMOST came THIS close to committing bloody murder right then and there. There were SO MANY murderous thoughts in my head. You see I don't require weaponry of any sort, all i need to do is punch and kick and i swear to god you will end up in hospital. I have not felt so much anger and disgusting black hate in a WHILE. I thought i had controlled and locked that up but sometimes and some PEOPLE get to me and I feel the blinding rage and I bay for blood. I had to slam myself against the lockers in front of which i was sitting and grip my laptop so I wouldnt do anything.

My friend told me she was proud of me not doing anything and honestly so am I, I'm proud of the fact that I have come far enough in holding myself when the person I want to eliminate is sitting right next to me.

If you've known and had issues with anger you get what I mean by seeing red and wanting blood and as scary and freaky as that is Im happy to say I ve reached a sense of control. The only bad thing is that keeping it all in is bad for the health and what that will do to you as a person

So after this long and dark and horrific rant I shall post the Hamlet post right after.

Again I'm sorry i've had to reveal my horrible mind to you guys but thats a part of me I hate and I guess it was bound to come up as a blog if not know then sometime in the future