Thoughts and Other Things

So this March Break I've been doing a lot of thinking about...things...
Things such as me, school, my future, university, my past, friends and such. Sort of like if I wanted to be cliche I would say that I looked deep into my soul and umm cleared my mind. Im in quite a little trouble becasue, my family dosent know how long we will stay here. We are meant to leave in june but there is a possibility we may stay until October. Now MY problem is leave or stay what am I gonna do??? If I get into uni where am I gonna stay?? Dorms are quite expensive on top of tuition fees. My parents freinds were like stay with us (they are an old couple nad live downtown) but then that feels like imposing and I dont wanna be a burden to them. If I am to live alone...I dunno if I am capable of taking care of myself. You see I've been an only child until I was almost 9 that was when my little brother was born. So pretty much until I was 9 I had all my parents attention and my parents and I were best freinds (we still are too an extent but they divide the attention between my brother and me).
I'm pretty shy so I hated mingling with kids in the other apartments in our building though I had friends I still preferred playing with my parents. Another thing was that all my friends were older than me. I've had very few (and by that I mean like 2 or 3 as compared to the many others) who were my age or younger. So pretty much I've always been around my parents, I've never been away from them ( I have on camping trips and such but that dosent technically count cuz I was with friends and teachers). But yeah I've never been aloone and that's what my parents worry about too. If i can take care of myself if they leave for a country on the other side of the planet.
It's kind of scary for me acctually to be away from my parents and I know thats bad, I cant hide behind my parents forever. It's also wierd because ALL of my various friends in various countries have always been like yeahh I'm gonna live on my own, I cant stand living with my family anymore and such. And its funny ALL of my friends are the independent sort. They go about alone to places. I go everywhere wih my parents I've never gone anywhere alone. Here I went to the ROM and the libraries and such alone but it was very I dunno. It was overwhelming to suddenly have a crapload of independence suddenly. It was fun to walk from the reference library to Eatons alone too but it was still disturbing. Im quite indecisive too and I dunno what to do with myslef alone. I always need my parents to reassure me about things and I know that, that too is a bad thing.
Again that brings me back too THE HELL AM I GONNA DO WHEN MY PARENTS OR I HAVE TO LEAVE EACHOTHER???
Its freaking SCARYY O.O
And then if i get into uni Im gonna be all alone. I ll have my friends but Its still scarry and I dunno it makes me very scared and I push those thoughts away.
And then I htought about maybe if I could start my life over you know, do things differently, make different desicions about things would I have turned out more hardy??? But then that got me into thinking okay, If I went back and changed the things I did I wouldnt be the person I am today. I'd have different friends, I would have different morals and values...all in all a COMPLETELY different personality and I'm not sure I'd like that.
You see sometimes I like myself, who I am as a person and I'm sometimes proud of the things I'm capable of and things I've done. And then there are times when I'm like 'Ugh your such an idiot, lord knows how people around you tolerate you'. Maybe other people have had this thought too but I think it alot, cuz I honestly can do a lot of stupid things that eventually come back to bite me in the derrier.
I've also been thinking about my career. I used to be one of those cocky people who used to be like HAHA I know what I'm gonna do with my life and I'm set. Except that I forgot that sometimes life has a diferent agenda for you sometimes and know Ive ended up on a completely different path. My parents are the most stunned ( and this adds to their discomfort about leaving me alone here). They were like paleontology to environmental sciences. Its like a complete twist you know. But thats what happens you know and so all I can really do is smile and nod and be like yeah.....
I dunno how to end this post because well this has been quite the long and emotional post for me. i'm not used to expressing freely my fears and concerns but this is my worry dump and so I should. It dosent make me feel any better but it feels nicer to write it out and look over my options and be a little free of things. Im still thinking about whats gonna happen to me but for know I have nothing.
I have a Hamlet post ready and I'll post that when we have finished the movie, probably tommorow. I assure you it will be infinately happier and uhh less gloomy
:)
Till then

~Live, Laugh, ARR