People

People are interesting creatures. No scrath that HUMANS i should say are interesting creatures. We love, hate, be jealous, greedy, giving, generous, murderous, kind and I could keep going.
But what I found most interesting about myself is this, I find it easy to make friends (this I dont understand, im quite unsocial and like to keep to myself and yet I make friends is that wierd???) but moving on I get along with people fine and I dont understan the emotion of hating people but recently like THIS YEAR I've found myslef loathing on the point of having murderous thought about someone. Namely my teacher. I've had her for 3 years now from grade 10 and i still have her. She teaches me chem. I tried convincing myself early on that I respect her maybe a little and that i dont hate her but i dislike her. NO. I FRIGGING HATE HER. She hates me too so the feeling is mutual.
Here is what is interesting though, I have every reason to hate her, shes rude, she insults you in class, shes hard to understand and dosent make herself clear but I hate myself for hating her. I dont like the idea of me hating someone it makes me feel bad. I much prefer making people happy and making them smile and laugh especcially if they are sad and down. That makes ME happy but when I hate someone or generally dislike them it makes me hate myself and makes me feel horrible about myself.
This has happened to me onve before in middle school. I HATED MIDDLE SCHOOL (but this is for another blog post). I hated everyone, me, my situation, my teachers (except for a few). But me hating everything and everyone mainly made me hate myself. And I swear to god I had depression. I wasnt diagnised in a hospital or anything but looking back it was depression. My emotions were haywire, my grades were all over the place and I wanted to jump out my balcony window. But the point is I hate hate pretty much. IT makes me depresseed and because of that my grade drop. In elementary i loved everyone and i was happy and my grades reflected it too I used to get A's and B's. And know Im right down in the dumps.
I tried studying Chem yesterday but everytime I sit down and start I think about HER. and how much she makes me angry. Ive had way too many murderous fantasies. even in class i play scenarios where I either get rescued by friends, my brother or something terrible happens to her. Im sure those things are not good for a human brain to have. If i went to a psychoanalysis i'll probably be put into an institution or a mental hospital or something.

Only thing keeping me sane--> Books, Friends, Upcoming fashion Show.

I think this blogging thing is keeping me sane as well though because it lets me spill my thought out and not have to worry so much anymore. But yes for know thats it.

Oh I have a math test on wednesday I'll probably fail again.
Ive been contemplating dissapearing off the face of the earth again. It seems nicer, school stress, uni applications etc wont bother me but on the other hand, my family and friends will be sad and i wouldnt want to leave them that way. Plus there is a crap load of stuff i havent done that i want to do.

~Live, Laugh, ARR